THEN AND NOW
by silk1
Summary: Post-Trash, Jayne´s POV....on an aspect of River ...


**DISCLAIMER: JOSS OWN ALL**

THEN AND NOW  
  
She has different faces. So many different expressions ...like shades of grey between black and white.  
That is her world now, just shades of things, different views and perspectives.  
He hadn´t known before, sure as hell hadn´t cared. But he does now, know that is. And no matter whether he bothers showing it, he does care. Having a conscience will do that to you.  
He didn´t understand then...before Ariel, he does now.  
  
She let bygones be bygones in the end...just like her brother. That´s when he started reading her pretty face like a book.  
  
Learning to read River Tam´s face has told him much ...so many faces that it sometimes leaves him baffled to think they all belong to the same girl.  
  
The shy, tentive smile that curves the egdes of her mouth upwards....just a nudge,creeping up like a glimpse of sunlight on a cloudy day. It rarely blooms into a full blown smile.  
And if it does she seeks to hide it behind a wall of tangled curles or her hand as she glances away from what amuses her.  
  
There is the widening of eyes, the split second of her mouth forming a silent scream, right before all hell breaks loose.  
If the damn girl dives for cover, you´d better be not be far behind or have a gun at the ready....that much he knows.  
  
The way her whole face becomes tight and anxious, her brows knit together until one sharp line forms between those flawless dark arches...lips pressed together as though her teeth are aching;  
right then she knows that you´re making the wrong choice, but she keeps it to herself....  
  
The way she watches everything,every move, every expression with glittering,perceptive eyes;following the conversations and the banter even if no one notices; her face so carefully blank to hide her thoughts.  
  
The way her whole face lights up like a lamp being switched on once she has found a joke to share with her brother or Kaylee.  
Keeps things to herself she does, he can tell that from experience ....his own.  
  
Nothing else for her to do, all muddled up like she is. Doesn´t even know how her own mind works anymore .  
That is the one face he has come to dread, the one he never meant to see ....never wished to see; the one that made her. The one face that made her oh so human, oh so frail and weak ....the one that broke something inside him.  
The one crucial moment when her smile falters because she remembers, remembers who she is and what made her like this ...  
  
The moment when she dies right there in front of him, when the light just fades from her eyes and her expression becomes blank and empty.  
The moment her white face turns ghost-like, wiped clean of emotion, ready to break into a million pieces at the slightest disturbance.  
That´s when she just sits, unmoving, staring into thin air ....until the tears come.  
  
He never says a word, wouldn´t know what to say anyway. He does not know why, but once he walked in on her huddled in the dark like that .  
He saw her like that more times that he cares to remember. Her brother does not know ...like she keeps it all in until Simon is not around, to spare him the pain.  
Sure as hell makes no effort to spare him though.....figures. She never looks up, never aknowledges his presence, but he knows she´s aware of him being there...watching. By now he almost feels like standing guard.  
  
It would be scary if she would scream or rage or sob. What makes it so much scarier is that she doesn´t. What chills him to the bone is her apathy; not a sound from her lips ....not the faintest murmur or sigh.  
Just her sitting as the tears flow ...no stopping them. They fall from her dark eyes like rain....flow like a ...river.  
Without a sound, without a word ....until she has no more tears to cry.  
  
Of all the different expressions River´s face can show...this is the one only he knows. The one that holds more emptyness than any face should be able to hold.  
Of all the faces River has, it´s the one he hates most, because every time he sees it now ...he knows that it´s not just a part of her dying just then.


End file.
